1
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,320
CONOR NARRATES: Things have been
a little tense recently.

2
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,040
Everybody seems to be
getting on somebody's tits.

3
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:13,720
I was annoyed with Linda.
Fuck's sake!

4
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,960
Linda was annoyed with me.
Moron!

5
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,800
Barry was annoyed with Jock.
Fuckers! Bastards!

6
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,640
Jock was annoyed with
Barry. Dickhead.

7
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,840
And me mum was annoyed with me,
Jock and Barry.

8
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,320
Shut up!

9
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,080
Langer, dickhead, gowl!
Out the fucking way.

10
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:30,080
And with the baby getting so close,
it's fair to say that Siobhan

11
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,160
was getting a little bit bothered
by it all.

12
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:33,880
My baby will be born in a few weeks

13
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:36,680
and nobody can fucking
get the fuck on!

14
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,240
So Orla had an idea.

15
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:42,000
So I thought it would be really nice
if we all went away.

16
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,240
Oh. Yeah...i-it would be.

17
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,640
For a weekend or something.
I'd like that.

18
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,440
Like a big family.

19
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:54,840
Well...that's what we're
going to be, I suppose. Yes.

20
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,520
And I'm really happy about it.
Me too.

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00:00:58,520 --> 00:00:59,800
SHE LAUGHS

22
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,280
And so we were off to
Kerry for the weekend,

23
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,680
to show Siobhan we can all get along
because at the end of the day,

24
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,680
all mams need our support.

25
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,000
Mam, you've got to lift with your
knees, not with your back. Come on.

26
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,880
Do you think you'll decide
to give me a fucking hand at any stage, like?

27
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,760
Good morning, Mairead!

28
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:26,000
Love what you've done with your
herbaceous borders there.

29
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,000
What's that that you've planted?

30
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,120
Er...that's just grass, Orla.
Beautiful.

31
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,200
Story. How's it going?

32
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,560
So, thinking of a couple of names
again last night.

33
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,680
So, what about Beyonce?

34
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,320
We might as well be calling
our baby Jesus or something.

35
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,840
What about Madonna? Or is that
a bit too old? She a bit dated?

36
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,560
That's a bit dated.
Let's hit the road, shall we?

37
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,880
The sooner we get there,
the sooner it's over.

38
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:59,000
You do one fucking thing
to ruin this trip... Yeah.

39
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,320
..and I'm telling you now,

40
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,040
when we get home, there'll be
fucking war, OK?

41
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,640
Yeah. OK? Not a thing.
Don't you worry about it.

42
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,280
Keep smiling. Yeah.
Keep smiling. Don't worry.

43
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,640
The less I enjoy it, the more
I'll smile, so I won't stop smiling.

44
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,080
Good. Good.

45
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:19,720
All right, Barry? Orla, hi. Hiya,
Jock. How are you getting on? Good.

46
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,280
Looking forward to it? Catch you
in a bit, yeah? Can't wait. Catch you in a bit. Can't wait.

47
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,960
Shotgun! Looking forward to
spending some time with Linda?

48
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,120
HE SCOFFS
Fuck, no.

49
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,440
Why would I?
I don't care about Linda.

50
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,440
Oh, you're just upset because she
went on a date with Eoin O'Hanlon.

51
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,040
No, I'm fucking not! All right.
I didn't even remember that!

52
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:43,480
Because I was too busy not
thinking about Linda. All right.

53
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:48,000
You know, the countryside's
a very romantic place.

54
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,200
I defy any woman to look at
the harshest knob

55
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,440
and not feel
a stirring in the heart.

56
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,840
Ain't that right, Mairead?

57
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:00,280
Mairead!

58
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,720
It is right, though, isn't it?
It's right.

59
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,760
Just drive the fucking car, Barry,
will you? I can't find the fucking keys. Yeah, typical.

60
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,040
Ruining it before we even
fucking get going!

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00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,560
ENGINE STARTS

62
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,120
CONOR: Jock's mam gave birth to him

63
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:18,000
prematurely in Dunnes Store shopping
centre, so as a result, every time

64
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,280
Siobhan does a hiccup, he thinks
she's going to pop the baby out.

65
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,600
What are they pulling over for?
I don't fucking know why.

66
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,080
Do you think she's all right?

67
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,760
What's up?! What's up?!
H-H-Have your waters broken?!

68
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,560
No, I just need a piss.

69
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:35,920
Found some tissues, love.

70
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,920
I'll help you wipe yourself,
all right?

71
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:44,480
Relax. Relax. Just, er...
she needs to go for a piss.

72
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,800
When I was younger,
I used to have difficulty acting

73
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,720
cool in front of girls but lately,
I've fucking nailed it.

74
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:02,640
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine,
why? Just asking. I'm good.

75
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:07,240
I'm really good. I bet you are. Why?

76
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:11,480
So, I heard you went on a date with
Eoin O'Hanlon the other day.

77
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,560
Sort of.

78
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,320
We just went to McDonald's, like.

79
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:19,600
I hope you two
are very happy together.

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00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,160
Genuinely.

81
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,160
SHOES SQUEAK

82
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,960
I was actually... I was on a date
earlier as well. That's good.

83
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,320
Yeah, it was. It was...great.

84
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,040
She lives, she's from down...
Germany, so...

85
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,920
you wouldn't know her, like.
What's her name?

86
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,760
Her name? Yeah.

87
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,680
Shit! Fuck!

88
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,120
Fucks!

89
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,280
Hey, Jock. It's all right.

90
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,680
Do you come around here often,
would you?

91
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,600
Just on holidays.

92
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:08,960
I like the same holiday every year,
so... Same holiday every year? Hm?

93
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:12,360
Same holiday every year.
Same holiday every year. Yeah?

94
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,160
What are they doing over there?

95
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,280
Those lads.

96
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,960
My, oh, my, that takes me back.

97
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,200
BARRY LAUGHS
They're county trimming.

98
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:30,000
What? Those Kerry boys there,
they're moving the Welcome to Kerry

99
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,280
sign a little bit down the road and
stealing a bit of Cork.

100
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,920
You might not think it to look at me
now, but I once stole...

101
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:42,840
Argh! Drop that sign, you pricks!
Nobody fucks with my county!

102
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,720
You hit me right in the bollocks,
you bastard! Nice one, dickhead!

103
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,440
Chris has got over a foreskin
infection! Don't tell him that!

104
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,160
See you later, Barry.

105
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:00,960
That's not how you do
county trimming.

106
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,400
What took you so long?

107
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,040
If you really want to know,
I had piss running down my legs

108
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,920
and mum had to wipe.
Fucking hell, Barry, you had to ask.

109
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,320
Barry's actually killer.

110
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,880
Hurry the fuck up! We're going to
teach those Cork langers a lesson.

111
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,040
The rivalry between Cork

112
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,400
and Kerry has gone back
as far as caveman days.

113
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,120
You'd think by now Kerry people
would've given up

114
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,080
and just admit that us Cork
people are better than them.

115
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,920
Hold back, hold back.

116
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,640
We don't want them to know
that we're following them.

117
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,680
Be careful with that now!

118
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,200
This cottage has been generously
lent to us by Brendan Cooley

119
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:51,080
and those statues are his pride
and joy. Who's Brendan Cooley?

120
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:56,240
Brendan Cooley is chair of the
board of management of St Finnian's.

121
00:06:56,240 --> 00:07:00,200
Remember, my school? A man I not
only know in a professional capacity

122
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,400
but I'm proud to say is
a close personal friend,

123
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:05,920
so please, treat this house
as you would your own.

124
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,760
Or actually, better.

125
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,160
Considerably better.

126
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,640
Yeah, treat it right.
How are you, babe?

127
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,480
Rrrr!

128
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,640
Those fucking Cork cocks will wish
they never came to Kerry.

129
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:32,400
JOCK LAUGHS
Oh, this is fucking brilliant.

130
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,560
Look at the size
of this clock.

131
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,000
Why, we're going to be telling time

132
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,040
like the fucking King of England
or something.

133
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,920
Well, this is gorgeous!

134
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,280
Barry, Orla, I just want to say
you've organised the whole thing,

135
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,200
you should take the master suite.

136
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,320
Siobhan and I will be happy enough
with the second-best double, yeah?

137
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,840
I think it's best if Siobhan shares
with Linda, don't you? No.

138
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,560
Jock, why don't you take the sofa?
Yeah.

139
00:07:58,360 --> 00:07:59,960
And don't you even try anything,

140
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,960
you oversexed, under-aged
little bollocks!

141
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:07,240
I've got an enlarged prostate,
huge, up every hour on the hour.

142
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,800
About to burst.

143
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,760
Checkmate.

144
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,920
Barry. What are you doing?

145
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,680
Just doing a quick inventory
of the cutlery and plates.

146
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:37,720
Big group, you know. These things
can easily go missing or... Or what?

147
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,760
I've been trusted with an important
man's spoons, Mairead.

148
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,600
I take that responsibility
seriously. You must...

149
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,080
let me know how much I owe you for
all of these...

150
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,720
organic groceries that
I didn't know you were buying.

151
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,280
Oh, no, no. You're grand.
Don't worry about it.

152
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,520
No, I-I can afford to pay.

153
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,560
You certainly have enough
money for cigarettes.

154
00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,120
We might be hard up
some of the time,

155
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,600
but we're not eating out of bins.
Jock.

156
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,520
This bone's still got chicken on it.

157
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,760
No, no. I realise that.
I didn't mean...

158
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,480
No, no, no, just let me know
the cost.

159
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,920
140 euros.

160
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:17,080
That's a lovely gesture, Orla,
thank you for paying for it.

161
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:18,080
Appreciate that.

162
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,160
Conor, come in, Conor.

163
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,680
If you're near the kitchen there,
will you get me a can of Tanora, please?

164
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,960
Kkkrrr! Roger that. Kkkrrr!

165
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:37,680
What the fuck is that? It's a
baby monitor. I got it for you.

166
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,720
That's not a baby monitor. What do
you mean it's not a baby monitor?

167
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,160
Look at it. Definitely small
and pink.

168
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,560
It's a baby monitor.
How does it work?

169
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,200
I push the button, say,
"Are you OK?"

170
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,320
And then the baby picks it up
and goes, "Yes."

171
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,560
That's a kid's walkie-talkie.

172
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,720
It's Olga.

173
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,360
What?

174
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:07,960
Olga.

175
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:13,080
That's the...the German girl
I was talking about.

176
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,480
I shifted her, she thought it was
great, like.

177
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,160
Said it was delicious.

178
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,160
Is that what she said in German
to you?

179
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,960
What did she exactly say?

180
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,600
Shit! Fuck!

181
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,160
CLOTHES TEARING
Fuck! Shit!

182
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,480
For fuck's sake.

183
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,680
I already told you, there's
no service in the house.

184
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,680
Who do you need to be messaging
anyway? We're on holiday.

185
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,960
Texting Conor? Conor?

186
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,840
He's in the same building.

187
00:10:56,840 --> 00:11:00,360
Linda, Orla, come into the kitchen,
will you?

188
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,680
Come on, please.
Thank you. Sit down.

189
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:08,840
Now, those of you who've had the
pleasure of being on holiday with me

190
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,920
before may have an inkling as to
what's coming next. Oh, no.

191
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,960
That's right.
I've done an itinerary. Dad, no.

192
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,480
Every second is accounted for
on these spreadsheets,

193
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:21,280
which means maximum fun.
The holiday starts now.

194
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,800
THEY SCREAM

195
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,200
What the fuck was that?!
Someone threw a rock. What?

196
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,640
Why is no-one checking the
story with the baby? Are you all right? Is the baby OK?

197
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:36,320
No, she's got you as a father.
Barry!

198
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:40,800
It's the lads from the border. The
ones pissing about with the sign.

199
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,200
HE WHIMPERS

200
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,760
Are you OK? I'm all right.
They missed.

201
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,240
Some people just don't learn,
do they?

202
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,440
Well, if it's a fight they want,
it's a fight they're going to get.

203
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:57,040
Sit down! You've done enough
already. Chucking stones at people.

204
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,840
This is your fault.
I'll deal with it now.

205
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,240
Thank you.

206
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,600
Right. Come out.
Come on, I know you're there.

207
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,720
I'm sorry to inform you boys
but I'm a principal

208
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:23,960
and when you mess with one
principal, you mess with us all.

209
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,760
There's a WhatsApp group,
did you know that?

210
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:33,080
Ah! Gone a bit quiet now, hasn't it?
So, where do you boys go, then?

211
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,160
St Brendan's? St Mary's?

212
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,120
Yeah, that would be the catchment
area, wouldn't it?

213
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:44,320
Tell you what, do say hello to
Mr Kennedy for me on Monday morning.

214
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,440
Or maybe I should call him myself.
Get yourselves home.

215
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,800
We'll have no more trouble now.
Consider that dealt with.

216
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,640
You know, a lot of these boys don't
have father figures in the home.

217
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,920
GLASS SHATTERING
Oh, for fuck's sake.

218
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,720
No, I'm stressed and when I'm
stressed, the baby's stressed.

219
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,240
You're stressed? You don't have to
explain all this to Brendan Cooley.

220
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,760
That's it. Nobody stresses out
my foetus. Sit down.

221
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,840
Don't you see that's what they want?

222
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,080
Try and at least act like you've
got a brain. Barry. Oh, yeah?

223
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,920
What do you suggest we do? Don't
even dignify them with a response.

224
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:27,640
What? Yeah. Sometimes the best
revenge is to live well.

225
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,880
In our case, why don't we tuck into
a Darina Allen shepherd's pie?

226
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,760
Amen.
ELECTRICAL FIZZING

227
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,160
ALARM BEEPS
The little bastards!

228
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,840
Did they just cut the power?
Well, that's dinner fucked!

229
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,360
Can we not just use the microwave?
Yeah, no problem, yeah.

230
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,200
Light the fire in the microwave,
you dickhead. Barry!

231
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,480
Right. They've crossed a line now.

232
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,920
This is a matter for the guards.

233
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,880
Will someone turn off
the fucking alarm?

234
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,600
PHONE LINE BEEPS

235
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,160
Dammit! Did they cut
the phone line, Barry?

236
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,720
Yes. They've cut the phone line.

237
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,560
They're really going for it,
aren't they?

238
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,080
GLASS SHATTERING
Fuck this.

239
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,640
I'll get to the bottom of this!

240
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,200
Jesus Christ!

241
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,440
All right. Now listen.
I'm sorry about before.

242
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:29,760
But now I've come to talk and
listen. Now you've made your point.

243
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:34,160
What is it that you want?
Come on, I know you can hear me.

244
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,400
What do you want?
Show us your dick!

245
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,000
OK, come on.

246
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,720
I'm sure that's not what you want.
Get your cock out!

247
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,200
I like a laugh
as much as the next person,

248
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,720
but let's be serious now, OK?

249
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,360
Get your cock and balls out.
Get your little Mickey out.

250
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,160
MAIREAD SNIGGERS
Right.

251
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:58,720
Clearly you don't want to be
spoken to like grown-ups. Fine!

252
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,160
HE SCREAMS

253
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,760
LAUGHTER

254
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,120
Absolutely pathetic.

255
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,840
LAUGHTER

256
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,000
I assume you heard all that,
did you?

257
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,120
I really don't know
what the big deal is, Barry.

258
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,000
Can you not just give them
what they want

259
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,080
so that we can all
get on with our holiday?

260
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,520
I'm a principal.

261
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,760
I'm not going to go
waving my willy around

262
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,480
so you can enjoy the Ring of Kerry.

263
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,880
No, no, no, Barry, I agree with you.

264
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,160
You can't negotiate with terrorists.

265
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,000
Show them your lad, they're going
to want to see your balls.

266
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,120
Show them your balls, they're going
to want to see your hole.

267
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,160
And then what? Well, they want
to bend you over and start...

268
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,320
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
You see, the thing is, Barry,

269
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,640
all right? You've got book smarts,

270
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,240
but when it comes to the way of
the street, you're in...

271
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,040
What's that class called where
me and Con get to do the pictures?

272
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,440
Remedial. Remedial.

273
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,560
When it comes to the way of
the streets, Barry,

274
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,120
you're in the remedial class, OK?

275
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,400
Me and Con will take it
from here on out.

276
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:12,720
No, you won't!

277
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,360
Oh, yeah, because you handled
it so brilliantly.

278
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,640
Like, no offence, but they might
want to talk to someone

279
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:18,840
their own age.

280
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,960
Relax, Barry.

281
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,240
We're not stupid.

282
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,880
We're not going to do anything
to inflame this situation.

283
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,600
Right, you bunch of
cousin fuckers,

284
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,720
if it's a fight ye want,
it's a fight you're going to get.

285
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,600
This rock has your name on it, boys.

286
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,160
Come at me! Fuck, boys.

287
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,680
Come on, please leave.

288
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,200
You fucking bastards!

289
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,000
THEY YELL

290
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,520
Man down!

291
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,280
Man down, fuck!

292
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,920
Oh, my God.

293
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,360
Conor? Conor, can you hear me?

294
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,640
Conor?
Grade A bit of parenting, Mairead.

295
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,360
Linda? He's coming round.

296
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,520
Conor? Linda?

297
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,040
Conor.

298
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,160
You all right?

299
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,480
VOICEOVER: When you go through
a near-death experience

300
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,000
like I just did,
you can focus your attention

301
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,920
on what's important in your life.

302
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,520
We've all the time in the world.

303
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,200
It's over.

304
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,640
Didn't even hurt.
I don't fucking care.

305
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,400
What are we going to do now, then?

306
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:27,680
Oh, I've an idea, actually, Orla.

307
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,400
When my dad was in prison...
Oh, Christ, here we go. Sh.

308
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,960
..he said that when they didn't
have weapons, they'd do, like,

309
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,600
a shit in their hands.

310
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,560
What, there must be, like,
eight of us here?

311
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,480
If we all did one,
I could go up to the skylight

312
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,160
and throw it at the lads.

313
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,320
That's surely going to dampen
their spirits, isn't it?

314
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,480
Jock, I think even
if that did work,

315
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,120
we're not going to feel like
having a family holiday afterwards.

316
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:51,920
So what are we going to do now?

317
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,160
The only thing we can do.

318
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:57,720
We wait.

319
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:10,200
Stop.

320
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,880
Am I the only one
still playing Monopoly?

321
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,840
For God's sake, Orla,
this is a hostage situation.

322
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,520
He always gets like that when
somebody else buys Shrewsbury Road.

323
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,520
How much longer
is this going to go on for?

324
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,480
Don't worry,
they'll break soon enough.

325
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,960
There's a load of them
out there right now.

326
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,240
WATER SPILLS

327
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,520
They've got a campfire going,
they're drinking out of cans.

328
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:44,640
Oh...

329
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,240
They're fucking barbecuing sausages.
SHE EXHALES

330
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,520
I know, right?

331
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,000
Barbecue's my favourite
type of dinner as well.

332
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,400
I think my waters just broke.

333
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,480
Oh! Oh, shit!

334
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,640
Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
What does that mean? Fuck.

335
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,640
Jock? Babe, babe, babe, babe,
just breathe.

336
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,400
Barry, we have to get her out of
here. I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

337
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,200
Well, if you had given them
a flash of your lad,

338
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,600
this would have been over hours ago.

339
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,040
And if you instilled a bit of
discipline into your household,

340
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,920
we wouldn't be in this
situation to begin with!

341
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,200
SHE LAUGHS

342
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,320
Oh, now I see it,
that's what do you think of us?

343
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,080
I saw you counting
the fucking spoons earlier.

344
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,360
For fuck sake, Mairead,

345
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,640
will you ever get that chip
off your fucking shoulder?

346
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,720
Will you get the rod out of
your fucking hole?

347
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,120
Do you see what happens, Orla?

348
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,200
When you try to be nice
to these people?

349
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,880
These people?!

350
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,280
Are you fucking kidding me?

351
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,480
She's from our neighbourhood,
unless you forgot.

352
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,320
Your family are from the fucking...

353
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,640
THEY YELL OVER EACH OTHER

354
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,600
You fucking bitch, you...

355
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,160
QUIET!

356
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,040
SIOBHAN PANTS

357
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,400
For fuck sake,
I'm about to have a baby!

358
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,280
I'm fucking scared to death.

359
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,800
And none of you can get on
for two fucking seconds.

360
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,120
I'm sorry, love.

361
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,200
We're all a bit hyper.

362
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,240
SHE EXHALES

363
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,400
I think I've got an idea
to get us out of here.

364
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,160
And it doesn't involve shitting.

365
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,040
Those fucking Cork lots
are up to something.

366
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,920
What the fuck are they doing?
Come on, boys, quick.

367
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,840
They're on the move, look,
they're on the move!

368
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,000
All right, big shits,
give us your worst!

369
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,000
THEY YELL

370
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,920
Bet you can't hit us! Agh!

371
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,760
Fucking pricks!
Come on, you langers!

372
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,400
SIOBHAN GROANS
Come on.

373
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,120
YELLING

374
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:31,440
Is that all you've got?

375
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,320
I've heard that Kerry lads
don't have much fire in the tank!

376
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,560
He's talking about your bollocks.
Come on, boys!

377
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,160
Keep your head down.
Keep your head down.

378
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,360
Pricks!

379
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,800
Look at me, Con!
We'll get through this.

380
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,920
The baby's coming.
You'll get through this!

381
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,000
Come on.
YELLING

382
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,400
Go to my car, go to my car!

383
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,360
Lads, come on!

384
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:53,960
They're running out of stones.

385
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,000
They're not running out
of fucking stones,

386
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,680
it's a pebble driveway!

387
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,120
Come on! Oh, for fuck sake,
Barry, come on!

388
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,600
I'm trying! Jesus Christ.

389
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,960
Just start the fucking car, Barry!

390
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,000
SHE WAILS
ENGINE STARTS

391
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,920
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

392
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,160
I can't even think about this now,
can I?

393
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,480
Just drive the fucking car,
Barry, will you?

394
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,240
Con, Jock, get in!

395
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,160
Retreat, retreat!

396
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,200
Quick, now!

397
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,280
THEY YELL

398
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:33,800
Go on, boys!

399
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,800
Come on!
SHE BEEPS HORN

400
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,680
Go, go, go, go, go, go!

401
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,240
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

402
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,560
Oh, I'm fine, too.

403
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,640
Go! Right. Come on!

404
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,600
Yeah, I know, it's grand,
don't worry.

405
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,960
SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

406
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,400
Siobhan Walsh? Yeah.

407
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,880
We've your room ready for you
if you'd like to come with me. OK.

408
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,520
No, just Jock.

409
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,680
But sweetheart... No, Mum.

410
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,360
That's what I want.

411
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,520
You'll have to put these on. Right.

412
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,400
All right? Here, let me take your...

413
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,320
WHISPERING: Rub her back.

414
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,880
Listen...

415
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,240
..I'm sorry about all the...

416
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:41,840
..stuff.

417
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,840
Aw, no, I...

418
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,160
I should be apologising
to the two of you, really.

419
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,960
Do you think she's
all right in there?

420
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:51,880
Yeah.

421
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,160
She's got Jock with her.

422
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,560
HE FARTS
Sorry.

423
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,560
I'm a bit nervous,
I'm doing those farts

424
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,360
where you're not totally sure,
that's...

425
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,240
That's all they are.
SHE LAUGHS

426
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,400
SHE GROANS

427
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,800
VOICEOVER: It's not surprising
that nurses and doctors

428
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,040
have a reputation for being horny,
with everyone

429
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,680
showing their dicks and their
fannies to them all the time.

430
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,920
I guess a bit of that hospital
horniness must have

431
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,440
rubbed off on myself and Linda.

432
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,720
LINDA: There it is.

433
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,800
GRUNTING

434
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:53,160
GRUNTING GETS LOUDER

435
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,680
Fuck off!

436
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:01,400
We're having sex, if you hadn't
noticed, show us a bit of respect!

437
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,320
Eh, where were we?

438
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,760
Here...

439
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,320
THEY GRUNT

440
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,760
 Now I've got you in my space

441
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,840
 I won't let go of you... 

442
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,520
THEY GRUNT

443
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:30,600
 I got you shackled in my embrace

444
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,960
 I'm latching on to you... 

445
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,320
GRUNTING

446
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:39,480
 Now I've got you in my space

447
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,800
 I won't let go of you... 

448
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,200
SHE CRIES

449
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,240
 I've got you shackled
in my embrace

450
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,520
I'm latching on to you

451
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,760
 I'm so encaptured

452
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,120
 You got me wrapped up... 

453
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:01,040
Wait.
 ..in your touch... 

454
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,360
The condom's still on.

455
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,720
And it's not broken.

456
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:09,320
 Hold me tight
within your clutch. 

457
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,520
I love you. I love you, too.

458
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,440
Oh, now, that's a baby.

459
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,000
Best baby ever.

460
00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,040
How are you, boy,
are you all right? You good?

461
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:37,600
That was stressful, but, I'm OK now.

462
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,560
Wasn't his fanny it came out of,
was it? That's true.

463
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,320
Do you know what you're going
to call her?

464
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,320
We couldn't decide what star
to name her after, so...

465
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,480
..we settled on... Star.

466
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,280
BABY GRIZZLES

467
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,480
Well done, love.

468
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,200
Yeah.

469
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,480
Come on, now, let's get a picture
of us all with the baby.

470
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,400
Jock, what the fuck?
What?!

471
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,040
You're supposed to be wearing
your scrubs over your clothes.

472
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,640
What? Nobody told me.

473
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,880
THEY LAUGH

474
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,600
Easy access.

475
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,960
VOICEOVER: Photos are great,
because people rarely take them

476
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:25,960
when everyone is looking pissed off.

477
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:28,440
And human memories
aren't that good... Ready?

478
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,640
CAMERA CLICKS

479
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,480
..so when you look back
on them photos,

480
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,880
all you can remember
are the happy times.

481
00:26:33,930 --> 00:26:38,480
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